Category Archives: Teachings

Praying in the Lap Lane

by Helen Redman
by Helen Redman, please see her website birthingthecrone.com for more of her fabulous artwork.

You cannot have it all, do it all, be it all.

It is impossible to have a healthy body, family life, yummy and nutritious food, spiritual practice, community engagement, strong friendships, political involvement, mental well-being and fulfilling work that pays all your bills. I am a very positive person, but the myth of perfection in our society makes me feel crazy. There is a cost for everything we do. We are humans, flesh and blood. There are just only so many hours in a day. A person can maintain a career and a healthy relationship, but can they juggle a spiritual practice, time with friends and time to work-out and also be active in the community? What about family illnesses or any other number of circumstances. There is just no way to do it all. Letting go of being able to, is critical.

I am giving up trying to be perfect and trying instead to be present in lots of areas of my life, but I no longer think I can do everything in a magically balanced way. Something will have to give in one or more areas of my life in order for other things to come to the foreground. Letting go of the myth of perfection is a daily and ongoing practice.

We have to start being honest about this in a MUCH bigger way than we are. So many people are weighed down with guilt or shame or pain around the things they just cannot manage or handle and they think they are doing something wrong or are deficient in some way. I deny the allegation and I deny the alligator or the crocodile on our collective backs!

My body has taken a beating of sorts for the duration of my life as a mother. It has been the vessel of life for three amazing children, physically and has paid the price in multiple ways for that. You cannot grow babies in your body without depleting systems. Every pregnancy brings cavities and some bone loss, even if you supplement. My body rightly chose to put the calcium and other nutrients it deemed necessary into the babies in my womb as they grew. When my third child could not make it through the birth canal after two days of labor, he had to be cut out. That was me getting sliced through and sewn back up. The muscle tissues never completely have healed and additionally I developed a thyroid condition around this time. So, my metabolism is not working the way it used to. Every person has their own body story.

Addressing my body is a very time consuming practice. Beyond the feeding and shopping and cooking of healthy food for it trying to exercise is a whole other matter. If I spend fifty minutes swimming and twenty minutes in the shower, ten minutes if I drive to the gym or twenty minutes there and back if I ride my bike, that is about two hours all told. Sometimes if I really rush I can get it all done in slightly less. Whether I take a Zumba class or some kind of other weight-training or strengthening class the time it takes is still the same. Those two hours are not something I can always afford. They certainly take a back seat to the care and feeding of my family, any illnesses, religious observances, or friends in need.

I choose to honor and perfect my heart and soul muscles first in EVERY situation.

I love this body I am in and I want it to be well for a long time, but I cannot forgo the covenant I have made with the Universe/The Holy One to be of service and to tone and tune my heart. It is not an either or equation, but often the body piece comes after the others. Everyone makes their own decisions about this. I can tell you, for certain, that when I die, folks are not going to sit around talking about what a sexy body I had or how pretty I looked once I lost thirty pounds. What they will remember is the soup I made for them, the time I sat with them at the hospital while their friend, mother, brother, sister was dying, the advice I gave them about being kind to themselves or their children. The energy I build that is based on the work I am doing for others is and will always be present long past when I am. My body will eventually turn into earth and no longer be of service to anything other than the worms and soil.

And, I need to keep this vessel that the Holy One gave me, in good enough shape to sail the waters for as many years as I can. The day I am bound to die is not in my control. I could be an Olympic athlete and the number of days due me this lifetime would still be controlled not by me, but by a force or forces way beyond me. So, how do I find a way to pray, grow and honor my body now? Since my youngest is almost out of the house and his need for me is less, in many respects, than they have been, I have a little extra time for self-care.

I have found that I cannot pray while I am doing Zumba or intensive weight-lifting, or strength-training in teams at Healthsport. I can and do pray when I swim. I know yoga is a mind/body practice and I love doing that, but I need something metabolically stimulating right now for optimum health. So, here’s what I’ve figured out. There are many folks in my life who are in compromised situations, either a divorce, loneliness, illness, injury or distress for any number of reasons. I imagine this person in my mind and I surround them with light and healing or visions of love or laughter, whatever they need. I do this as I swim a length of the pool. I do it everyday except Shabbat.

If my list of folks in need gets much longer I might be swimming for several hours, but I could always alternate folks to different days or combine several into one length. This seems to be working for me and I love the blending of my body moving through the water and my heart and soul engaging in practice for those I want to be sending love and healing to. I will still occasionally do other forms of exercise, but for now, praying in the lap lane is one of the ways I have found to combine two very important elements of my life into one discrete packet of time. Both the exercise and the prayer are different as a result. The exercise is improved, the prayer, I’m not so sure. I will have to spend more time alternating between concentrated prayer for folks and this kind of praying in the lap lane and see. For now, though, I’m doing it this way.

If you see me in the lap lane, perhaps you’ll remember that you too can find a way to juggle your many commitments and remember to laugh when some of the balls fall down and start over again.

Originally published in the Mad River Union on Wednesday, March 19, 2014.

Nicole writes to you from her home in Bayside, she didn’t get a swim in today, but she did write about it! ©Nicole Barchilon Frank 2014

 

It’s A Small World After All…Shouldn’t We Act Like It?

This series of three combined into one long posting together here was written last year right before Passover/Pesach in the Spring of 2013. The story is relevant now, but the time references are from last year. I have also been preparing for Pesach right here in real time this year. 

Seder Plate by Paul Barchilon
Seder Plate by Paul Barchilon

“It’s a small world after all.” That was my favorite song when I was little and I guess, in many ways, it still is. As I rush around getting ready for Pesach (Passover) and also for a trip to Spain and Morocco WAHOOOOOOOOOO! I’m a little bit more crazy than usual. And, I am trying to ride the WAVE of this time, rather than get smashed by it.

My name, Barchilon, comes from my paternal grandmother’s Moroccan name Perla Barchilon. My paternal Moroccan grandfather’s name was Jaime Cohen. When my father came to this country after WWII he didn’t want the name Cohen. It was way too Jewish and so he took his mother’s name Barchilon. Barchilon is a Jewish name too, it comes from the city of Barcelona, most likely. When my grandmother Perla’s ancestors were expelled from Spain in 1492 (the year the Jews were forced to flee Spain, convert or be killed), like many immigrants, the name of place left became the new name. The name Barchilon may also come from the Hebrew bar shelanu, or some form of those words which mean “son of ours.”

This journey I am going on with our son Ethan is through his school, the Northcoast Preparatory Academy. When I heard about this trip I told him, YOU ARE GOING! Then he asked me to come along. What’s money anyway? Who needs it? So, despite the cost and the challenges I decided to come along. My mother and my step-father graciously offered to help and since this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me with my sixteen year old, I am on board. My husband also felt that it was of great benefit and supported the choice.

Part of why this trip appealed to me for our son Ethan, is that he and the other students going are acting and performing in a play in Barcelona. This play, “The Sheep and The Whale” was written by Moroccan playwright Ahmed Gazhali. The play is about crossing the Straight of Gibraltar and about illegal immigration, the hunger for a better life, murder, violence, poverty, and the longing for home and country that lives in the heart of many immigrants. It is based on a true story:

June 8th, 1992, at 2 AM a small wooden boat transporting 20 Moroccan illegal immigrants sank in the Straight of Gibraltar. A Russian freighter, that happened to be passing through the Straight as the drama was unfolding, managed to save one person and to pull out several bodies from the sea. In order to return the survivor and the bodies to the Moroccan authorities, the freighter was obliged to pay right of entry fees to the Port of Tangier. Negotiations dragged on until dawn…This event occurred a few days before Aïd Elkebir, The Festival of Sacrifice.” ~From the Moroccan newspaper, L’Opinion, 11th of June, 1992

Well, my father illegally crossed the Straight of Gibraltar as a young man on a fishing boat under a tarp of fish. He was with one other young man, they were both fleeing Nazi-Occupied Morocco to join up with the Free French Forces who had a large fleet ship in the port of Gibraltar. My father made it to that ship and joined the Free French Forces. He emigrated to this country after the war and that’s how I got here, although I was born in Paris. My father will turn 90 in Paris, while my sixteen-year-old son plays an Islamic Moroccan immigrant in a show in Barcelona. How could I not have my son be part of this story about crossing the Straight illegally and going to Marrakesh and Barcelona?

My father’s family lived in Morocco for over 500 years, it is only in his generation that they left Morocco. Before they left Morocco, they were in Spain, and before that they lived in the Holy Land of Ancient Israel and Palestine. I have one Uncle still living in Morocco, my Uncle Maurice Cohen, whom everyone calls Bébé (which means baby, since he was the youngest). My Uncle Bébé is now 86. He was a Moroccan tennis star when he was younger. Another small world connection, Ethan loves tennis and is currently number two on the “ladder” at his school. We will see my uncle when we go to Marrakesh, he lives in the mountains about two hours from there.

It feels absolutely monumental to me that I am getting to have this experience, earth-movingly huge. I am crossing the globe, this small planet with my son, flesh of my flesh of my father’s flesh, of his parents flesh, etc… back to our homes from not so long ago and from VERY long ago. Our family stories cycle in many many ways. This particular circling is one of choice and joy and yet, I can’t help but be thinking about all the folks forced to flee their homes seeking a better life or respite from war, famine, and oppression.

My own life has been one of abundance and love, with plenty of hurt and mess too, but not because of oppressive governments, war, religious intolerance or grueling poverty. The story of my people is one we tell every year in the present tense, never in the past. As long as there are people oppressed and endangered the story of fleeing oppression is not over. My son accompanies me on this journey, where he plays an illegal immigrant, a man torn in two by his need to connect with his people, his family and his home in Morocco and also a man who loved a woman and hoped for a different life. The character named Hassan is forced to confront his story on the freighter amidst great turmoil. He’s been living a life of lies with his Parisian wife and the story unfolds on stage and in real life, every day.

So, as many of you sit down for your Seders or celebrate spring in all the various ways we do in this country, I hope you will remember that the story is not over. Our re-telling and remembering must be followed up with ACTIONS to make this whole small world a place of peace, justice, kindness and goodness. A place where the flavors, colors and tastes of home are not forfeited as the price for the possibility of living with dignity and hope. Isn’t it time, really time, now to see everyone on this planet as members of our own family and to embrace them, not shun them, for their differences, languages, practices, gifts or wounds? It’s a small world after all.

Nicole will be winging her way to Barcelona and Marrakesh as you read these words, she will try to pen some thoughts while in the lands of her ancestors, and she sends you wishes for sumptuous feasts around your tables, with room for guests unknown and perhaps who don’t have home, but who might find it at your table if you invite them in.

Published in the The Arcata Eye: Just Being Frank Column
© Nicole Barchilon Frank for March 27, 2013, Second Day of Passover 5773

From The Calle Perla In Barchelona
From The Calle Perla In Barcelona

Hello From Barcelona,

The picture here is from a building on Calle Perla. My grandmother’s name was Perla, my Sephardic grandmother. I am surrounded everywhere by the history of my family. Every street feels familiar, every balcony seems like it could have been mine. The city feels like a friend, someone I had to leave behind but who never really changed.

Today I went on an Orange Donut Tour with Lisa, the other Chaperone on this trip and my friend Shullie’s parents Rona and Bernard. I am at the Ristorante Compostela waiting for them because I just couldn’t walk much further. City life is all about walking, walking, walking.

Walking is wonderful and my weight and feet make it hard for me to do everything at the same pace as thinner, more determined to see and do everything folks and also all those younger folks.

I love the neighborhood where we are. Each quarter or area has its own flavor and energy and unique character. There are currents here that, like in a fast moving river, you cannot always see or be aware of in advance and that catch one unawares. The whole Catalan vs. Spanish issue here is huge and I don’t know the signs of who is who yet. So, for example, I have been trying to learn and speak as much Catalan as I can, really just Thank You and a few other words. Thank you in Catalan is different. It is moltas gracias (spelling phonetic, no idea how it is spelled in the actual language). So, while I was at the Ristorante Compostela, which was not in Gracia, where I am for the most part, but which is in the Gothic Quarter, where the Cathedral of Barcelona is and where the Pope stays when he is in town, I said “Moltas Gracias.” The waiter looked at me like I was vermin practically. Clearly, I had left Catalan without knowing it. I did have the best coffee (cafe con leche) of my life there though, so I guess I can handle the look. Actually had two, ’cause one just wasn’t enough.

It is 5:05 a.m. as I write this, sleep is complex here as well. I am in the home of a single mom, Belen, who has rented out three of her rooms to guests from Airbnb. The others here are the other mom Lisa, who is a chaperone with me on this trip, and two German Opers who look to be in their early twenties, perhaps. They are sharing a room. It is great here and for $32 a night, completely unbeatable.

The toilet is a tiny room, with just the toilet, and no room to really pull your pants down though, so you kind of have to have the door open a drop to get that part done, then sit down and close the door to do your business and then vice-versa on the way out. And, this is not because I am big, the space between the door and the toilet is about five inches and the word water closet describes the space pretty accurately. The flush handle is the old fashioned pull down kind.

The tile in this place could be hundreds of years old at least, the flooring is all tile. The shower is outside in a small room but is magnificently hot and strong. The stairs up to the bedrooms are about six inches maybe wide, so I have to put my feet sideways on them to get down and brace myself on the walls as I navigate the twisting small steps.

I will fill in more about the students next time, but wanted to get this off to those of you following me on this adventure. Today, I will accompany the children for their presentations at the host school here as they talk about Arcata and NPA in the English class at the IES school here in Gracia. Then, Ethan’s host family has invited me for lunch, which is called diner at 3, which is when they eat that meal. What we call dinner is eaten around 9pm.

MOLTAS GRACIAS for accompanying me on this journey, in your hearts, wishes and thoughts I feel supported! Big Love from the Casa de Belen y Mario (14 month old angel who is the baby here).

Bread and Salt

Mireia Nicole Kiss with Flowers
Mireia Nicole Kiss with Flowers

I am sitting at the Vegetarian Indian restaurant not far from where I am staying in Gracia, Barcelona. I slept until 12:41 today and I needed it. The last few days have been very long and very intense, full and wonderful as well as a little too rushed for me. We leave tomorrow, for Marrakesh, and from the moment we landed it has been a running at full speed kind of experience. The kids especially have been put to every imaginable test and are rehearsing for their play, interacting with new families and experiences and foods while adjusting to life in an ancient and large city with thousands of people on the streets. It is about as far away from Humboldt as one can imagine. The show last night was phenomenal and I only regret that my technological acumen is shoddy and hope that between Marceau’s camera and my ipad mini I managed to capture most of the play. I have yet to see if any of it came through.

So, today, Saturday morning, which is Shabbat, no matter where I am, required a slower pace and I guess those extra hours of sleep guaranteed that. Best moments are so plentiful for me here, to put it in Rabbi Naomi Steinberg’s language: “this celebration is in the top 5,000,” a reminder that we shouldn’t rate joyful or prayerful moments. Very hard to do.

Comparing and rating are easy to fall into. Being in the moment with exactly what is going on requires something different from me. When I allow the present to flood my being and stop focusing forward or backwards, true magic occurs.

Friday afternoon, was just such a moment. I took a brief siesta on the sofa of Ahmed and Mireia before the small Shabbat I was going to observe before the show in the evening. Ahmed is the playwright of the Sheep and the Whale and together with his wife Mireia they are Jiwar a residence for artists that hosts workshops and creates home for folks to come and be creative. Their house in the center of Gracia in Catalonia was our home away from home, complete with a lovely garden courtyard. I should say that the whole endeavor wouldn’t work without the help and support of Mireia’s parents also, because in Spain, la familia is part of everything. So, the two small sons of Mireia and Ahmed were often there in the home or hanging with their lovely grandparents and the whole endeavor runs better because of this extended family that is not an anomaly, but the norm in this part of the world.

After my tiny siesta on their sofa, I prepared a little Shabbat moment for us on their table. It was a first Shabbat moment for them. Ahmed, my new Moroccan brother and Mireia, his Catalunian wife and my new sister. These two folks, immediately felt like my family, the nicest, warmest best folks ever. I want to be part of their family forever and hope for many years of connection to all of them. While Mireia and Ahmed were on their computers, I made myself at home in their kitchen, something I do in most homes I enter. I found some salt and located a small bowl from their china cabinet. I had brought some wine and some bread and arranged the flowers I had given them and finally I set out the candles.

I invited them to join me and unfortunately, at first, we all regretted that it was just the three of us. We wanted the kids and the grandparents there. But, as it turned out, I couldn’t get through any of the prayers without crying and there were tears in everyone’s eyes. I am not sure if this would have been the case with a fuller cast of characters. In the play that Ahmed wrote and Ethan and his classmates performed, there is a line about Europe and Morocco having had bread and salt together. This line kept playing in my mind and I reminded Ahmed of it. He said, he had never had bread and salt together like we were and that this line in his play, written over twenty years ago, came from some memory inside his being, but not from his actual having lived it. This exact moment we shared together on Shabbat eve, was the first time that his internal tribal kind of memory experience and this actual living present moment came together and made a new kind of sense. Europe, America and Morocco, Christian, Jewish and Muslim all breaking bread together with flowers, wine, salt and olive oil. The water for all of us, was our tears and the warmth flowing through our hands and hearts in hope and shared companionship.

I long for these moments in my heart all the time, with everyone. The times when barriers completely dissolve around a shared table. When the conversations, tastes and flavors of our lives all become common and precious and the feeling of family is palpable.

I hope you will all find ways to break bread and salt with anyone you encounter and especially those you imagine might be other than you. The more we sit around each others’ tables and share our lives, the smaller and more whole this aching and wounded planet becomes and the task of mending all the brokenness becomes as doable and perhaps as simple as sharing a meal.

Room with a View

View of Cemetery from Riad in Marrakesh
View of Cemetery from Riad in Marrakesh

The View from the terrace at the Riad Spa Luxeux Bachawya. So, this is a cemetery across the street from where I am staying in a home that is over 1500 years old and that was the home of Moroccan royalty. My first day in Morocco so full already and now I am home and resting. It is 6:16 pm my time as I write these words. I put my friend Arik Labowitz’s first CD on and I will try and put down what is in my mind and heart while I listen to his divine Hebrew and the flute of his music mate Maxine.

After taking the taxi from here to downtown Marrakech and finding Ethan and the other NPA students along with their host families at the American Language Center, I walked from there, about twenty minutes to find my Uncle BB. He was waiting for me at the McDo (McDonald’s) across from La Grande Poste. There he was looking very young for 86, thin as ever with his very large nose, the nose of my grandfather, the nose that identifies one as a Jew, even if practicing Judaism is the last thing on your mind. BB, like my father, has no interest in his Judaism. BB and I walked to his car, parked about five blocks away, an old blue chevrolet. He took me on a long drive into the mountains to get the “best tagine” in Morocco. It was very good. I do not have much to compare it to. What was the best was just being with family. My ties to family are beyond description and this is something all of us know, or should know. A feeling of complete home that emanates from the connection.

In Spain and here as well, folks are “chaleureux.” This word does not translate well, it is more than being warm, it is being hot and friendly and warm all combined. Warm, just doesn’t communicate the feeling. Everyone holds hands, hugs, kisses, and is physical. There is a palpable heat that is from connection, not just from the sun. It is so different from the colder world of the United States. I feel so at home here, I am not an anomaly here. My size, largesse of expression and behavior as well as of body is just fine. It is pretty wonderful to not feel other and of course I am other. I have a very different life that what most folks do here.

BB kept referring to himself as gatté, with an accent on that last “e”. This means spoiled. We spoke of many things and he is more like a young boy than an old man in his eyes and in his expressions. He has no children, but many friends. His wife of 40 years died not too long ago and so he speaks of her still very much. It has been many years, but she is still present for him. He told me about his piano playing, something I had no idea about. It turns out that Ethan and him will have so much more in common than just a blood tie. Ethan plays piano and tennis and has some of BB’s last child qualities, a well-taken-care-of-ness. It is a kind of ease that comes with being the last baby around. As a mother, with Ethan, everything is precious, every moment there is a sense of “this is the last time.” Perhaps this is true for all last children. I like comparing them in this place and time, even though, they are also very different.

I am going to go lie down now. Just wanted to get these few words off to those of you wondering about how I am. Tomorrow, Ethan and I will leave NPA here and go off with BB to his home in the mountains for an overnight stay with him. Every single hour here is packed with more feeling and emotion than I can possibly convey. It will take me many months to capture any of this in depth. I am grateful for the stream of consciousness style writing that flows easily for me. I am also wanting to spend time with each feeling and thought and that is something I cannot do here. Everything is on full speed ahead and I am already aware that by this time next week, I will be flying home to California.

Shalom/Salaam

Nicole

Omar and The Bowls

Omar Bowls

Thinking about serving, serving the Divine, serving others, serving family, serving a meal, being served and encountering a servant. While I was in Morocco this last April, I met Omar. Omar is my Uncle’s servant. There is no easy way to say that. The word itself is primed and full of meaning. It connotes both positive and negative things for me. My first encounters with servants were in Morocco as a child. My grandparents’ home had three full-time servants; Hassan, Sadia and Fatimah. Sadia and Fatimah did the cooking and the cleaning and my grandfather was tended to by Hassan.

Berber Woman painting by Helen Redman
Berber Woman painting by Helen Redman

I vividly remember being surrounded by these large warm women, who smelled heavenly, unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before or after. The combination was something like sweat, cinnamon, heat, roses, musk and cumin, vanilla and linden flowers. If I could swim in this scent or be near these women again, I don’t think I would ever emerge. I can’t describe it properly, but their smell, their warm arms wrapping around me and carrying me around or chasing me around the kitchen is something I carry with me and which I long for. It is the smell of work, of service, of excellence, of laughter and care and anger and heat and heart and some mystery too. It is the opposite of contained or relaxed or mellow and so very not of this place here.

My whole trip back to Morocco has really been a trip back inside of myself and into myself. I find I am reluctant to land fully here in this country, because so much of who I am is actually embedded in where I have been and in these memories, but also in the work of service. It’s a very foreign concept in this country. We don’t have servants, or at least most folks don’t, and unless you are active in a religious community or other non-profit organization “serving” is not always viewed as positive. The idea of being an actual servant to someone is frowned upon and rightly so, for many, many reasons in most work situations. I am not trying to justify servitude to a flawed system, servitude to a wealthy unjust boss or factory here. This kind of service though is not the only kind of service. I see no use in hiding from what is true for me and what I know from my life and my experiences that are the positive side of service.

My own service to others is a primal choice on my part in many ways. It is something that gives me tremendous energy and is a kind of tuning or truing. There is a tuning fork in my soul and when I am following the call of the Holy One, the sound inside of me is so pure and so whole and so right that I can’t imagine it being otherwise. That feeling doesn’t always manifest, often if I am asked to be of service or find myself pulled into it, I am not happily singing inside. I can be resentful, tired, frustrated, worried and so many other things, all of which are human and okay for me to be. The difference between those feelings and the feeling of being in tune is an order of magnitude difference.

The proper alignment puts me in a groove and there is the touch of the infinite there. I could lift a car off a person, or have a conversation with a star as it is being born somewhere light years away or back here on earth I might find myself helping someone to cross over the river Jordan singing them to their next destination. It’s just not a common experience or a mundane one. I feel blessed and lucky and grateful whenever I find myself there, amazed and renewed, awed and lost and full of tears. It’s the feeling of being a true servant, of serving the Creator and of wanting to do it again and again and to do it well and joyfully and of being so glad I was asked to do it. There is trembling and awe and a deep shaking and rushing to find the core of the task and to rush to do it well. In the Jewish tradition there is a teaching that one should RUSH to do a Mitzvah, not hesitate or stand back, but rush and hurry to do what is being asked. We don’t do this for people we don’t love or beings we don’t revere. If you are in service to a tyrant, you might rush out of fear, but you would never rush out of joy to serve.

I’m not serving a tyrant, so my movements are ones of speed and force towards the hope of helping or healing or finding the right words or actions or moment to grow some love in the world. I am so not alone in this. And, I am so very far away from serving humbly and with grace. Which, brings me back to Omar.

Oukmaiden, Atlas Mountains
Oukaimeden, Atlas Mountains

When we arrived in Oukaimeden, where my Uncle lives, about 9,000 feet high in the Atlas mountains, there was snow on the ground. It is a ski-resort during the winter months and my 86 year old uncle BB still has a ski rental shop there along with his home. This is where Ethan and I came to spend our one night with him. Omar lives downstairs in the small cabin and my uncle lives upstairs. Omar has a wife and two married children in a village about twelve and a half miles away. He rides a large motorcycle and could be anywhere between forty and sixty. I couldn’t tell. He made the fire in the cabin when we first arrived. In Marrakesh we were burning up with heat and the temperature was in the 90s. In Oukaimeden we needed a fire. Omar prepared dinner, he served us dinner and then sat in the kitchen while we ate it, he cleared our plates and did all the cleaning up. He smiled at me, he smiled at Ethan. He speaks no French. I speak only a little Arabic. I said Shukran about fifty times. Shukran is “Thank You.” Omar just smiled.

After dinner we prepared for bed. My uncle gave Ethan and I his bed and he slept on the sofa near the fire, something he insisted he did regularly so he would be warm. Omar prepared the sofa and went downstairs. Ethan and I said goodnight to my uncle and climbed into the large and lumpy and cold bed that was graciously given to us. We read a little bit from The Crucible by Arthur Miller and then we tried to go to sleep. There are no street lights in Oukaimeden, most of the homes don’t have electricity.

It was VERY dark and very cold and just a little spooky. Ethan got up to use the bathroom which was a tiny room full of dusty, grimy, half-used bottles and looked like most bathrooms I’ve seen that belong to older folks or those who are otherwise-abled and who can’t see or get to the dirt. Ethan came running back into the bedroom and he was hyperventilating. He said that while he was peeing a giant spider the size of half his hand started to drop down from the ceiling towards him in his exposed state. He ran back into the bedroom.

Needless to say, I wasn’t too excited when it was time for me to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. There was one tiny light and everything looked creepy. I didn’t want to wake up my uncle so I was trying to be quiet but also doing the Nicole is tapping on the floorboards in a funny way dance. This was my “Spider if you are here, please do not come out, there’s a large person here and it’s better if you stay away” dance shuffle. I’m sure all spiders understand that this particular combination of footwork, shuffling, tapping, scooting, and slight jumping that I was doing is universal code for “do not disturb or emerge.” I tried to use the toilet, but was so terrified of the spider and unsure if my message had been properly translated or received. I made it through the event and quickly rushed back to the bedroom. I didn’t get much sleep, but at least I didn’t need to go into the bathroom until morning again and clearly, along with French and Spanish, I can now add Spider Language to my repertoire.

We had a lovely morning walking the area and then got ready to head back to Marrakesh, which was a three hour drive on twisty roads in the old blue 1976 Chevrolet with no air-conditioning being driven by my 86-year-old uncle who told me he needed a new glasses prescription, ummmm, that’s a whole other story. I wanted to buy some ceramics, small things, to bring home and my uncle said Omar would help us negotiate better prices and would accompany us part way down the mountains on our way back to Marrakesh. I was very happy to have the help. We had to drop something off at the only hotel in Oukaimeden and so I was sitting in the car with Ethan waiting. Several men came up to the car with their arms covered in necklaces and jewelery of every kind. I didn’t want to buy anything, so I tried to ignore them, but to no avail. All of a sudden Omar was there, he took off all the jewelry on one man’s arm and he picked through it and handed me ten necklaces. I tried to shake my head no, but Omar would have none of it.

No money was exchanged and I couldn’t communicate with any of these men. My uncle came back and I explained what had happened. He told me that this man owed Omar for something and now that debt was partially forgiven. I said, but I didn’t pay Omar and what is Omar getting from this? I asked my uncle if I could give Omar some money, but he said absolutely not and it would insult Omar. I arranged to give my uncle some money and asked him to do something extra for Omar or his family and then we went down the mountain looking for ceramics.

Omar stopped us at a roadside hill that had thousands of ceramic tagines and bowls and tiles in piles making up columns and columns and rows and rows of red clay, unpainted bowls stacked on top of each other which were entirely covering the hill leading into the factory. There was a tiny path with small steps through these columns into a large dark building. To my right, once my eyes adjusted, I saw a man who was kneading a large bunch of red brown clay with his feet; stepping in and out of the clay in a large square tub. As my eyes got more comfortable, I saw thousands of bowls and dishes leaning every which way in stacks of tens and twenties and more. It was a jumble of sizes, shapes and colors. I walked through trying to find something small I could safely pack in my bag and bring home. I found some beautiful white and blue bowls with a thin strip of silver lining on the bottoms and around the lip of each bowl. I asked the merchant the price and he said they were the most expensive ones and quoted me a price I didn’t want to pay. At that point I noticed some others that I also liked and they were smaller and didn’t have the silver. He told me those were made in this factory here, unlike the others I had previously selected. He quoted me a price and Omar nodded and I paid him.

On our way back to the car, Omar handed me the two other bowls, the expensive ones. He had bought them for me without my noticing. I couldn’t understand. I asked my uncle why and he told me Omar said I was family and he wanted me to have them and to have joy and that it made him happy to think of me with them. This man, who I only just met, was rushing to do something for me. He owns no home, he has worked for over twenty years or perhaps thirty for my Uncle, and he couldn’t stop trying to serve me, to offer to me. I didn’t and don’t know how to properly thank him. His gift was coming straight from his heart. He had the largest grin on his face, so happy with himself. This generosity and desire to please was radiating off of him. I told my uncle to thank him and tell him that I was so happy with the gift and that I would treasure these bowls and think of Omar always when I used them in my home in California.

I gave my uncle some more dirhams and asked him to pass them on however and whenever he could as he saw fit for Omar or his family. Even if I hadn’t had a penny to give, Omar would have been and done exactly as he did. He wanted to make me happy, he wanted me to smile, he wanted me to be served and he wanted to do the serving. He served me. He is serving me still, because I can’t get him out of my mind or heart. His simple kindness, his generosity, his humility, his smile, his strength. All these qualities and more dance around in me and beg me to pay attention.

Serving with joy, serving with kindness and with no thought of reward, serving out of a sense that the person before us is family or Holy or just deserving, this is the service I want to embody. How am I family to Omar? I am family to him because we are all family. My Omar bowls have a special place in my home and every time I see them or use them, Omar is with me. The jewels he gave me also connect me to the Moroccan soil, they come from the red earth and the mountain caves of the African continent, the birthplace of humanity. When I wear them, I feel myself connecting back to the Atlas mountains and to an ancient reality, to a warmth and strength and beauty and even to the large, prehistorically large spiders that come down in the night.

Nicole serves herself by writing to you from her home in Bayside, where she has a lot more to say about serving, but she’ll keep you on edge, waiting for the next installment in her Spain and Morocco narratives.

©Nicole Barchilon Frank

Why Ha-Shem-Not Naming the Divine

The Shiviti Prayer: I have set the Holy One Before Me Always
The Shiviti Prayer: I have set the Holy One Before Me Always

This lovely carving was given to me when I resigned/retired from being the Administrative Assistant for our congregation Temple Beth El. I was amazed because no one on the Board at that time knew my personal prayer practice, which has involved this prayer for years and years. It was what I call a b’eshert moment.

Beshert means “inevitable” or “preordained.” It can apply to any happening which appears to bear the fingerprints of divine providence, such as bumping into an old friend you were just thinking about.

But it is used most commonly about marriage and shidduchim (“matches”). Singles pray to “meet their beshert,” their life partner, the other half of the broken eggshell with whom they will find love and fulfilment. – Rabbi Julian Sinclair from the Jewish Chronicle‘s article Beshert

When you look at this picture you can see how complex Hebrew prayers and teachings really are. The Hebrew here is textured and layered. The four letters here that are largest are the ones we don’t ever say or even write down without being very careful. There is POWER in naming. Any tribal person will understand this as will all those who have ever named a child or a pet or a business.

So, we don’t mess around when we are talking about the most HOLY name. Because we cannot ever really get our minds around the entirety of a Divine Being, we do something different.

We use the word Ha-Shem which literally means The Name. This reflects the concept in Judaism that you cannot quantify or confine the Divine; unnameable, infinite and vast. Ha-Shem is not like my name or yours. Since the Divine cannot be quantified or qualified, we engage in various ways to describe or connect to the energy of the Divine. This stands in contrast to the idea of the Divine being split into various other beings or forms, but for me and for many others, there is no real contradiction. It doesn’t matter to me what you name or call your Holy Being, what matters is how you BEHAVE in this world and your adherence to goodness and to honoring those on the planet with us. If connecting to Isis or the River Spirits, Vishnu, Buddha, Jesus, Ha-Shem or any and all of the myriad ways Holiness unfolds and comes to each of us, makes you a better human and enables you to love those near you and this beautiful earth, then pray and sing and meditate and praise and delight in that Being or Beings anyway you can.

As Jews, we adhere to the idea of b’tselem Adonai which can be interpreted to mean in the image of the Divine (and much, much more). The word Adonai is used here and is another placeholder word for describing a quality of the Divine. When you need a master or lord, someone who you can turn to to make things change. Many folks reject this idea of a Holy Being who is a lord and master. I know I struggled with it for years. I no longer do. I am so in awe of the Divine and so aware of how tiny I am, there is just no question that I am an agent of Holiness, but not the whole shebang. The BIG BANG or the BIG DIVINE BANG Energy is certainly greater than I am. A great book to read on this topic is God & the Big Bang by Daniel C. Matt.

Adon in Hebrew can be translated as master or lord, so this name for the Holy One is engaged when we pray and are not using the four letter Tetragrammaton name like the letters above. The word Adonai is not that often written out in the Torah. Usually, folks say this word instead of reading the Hebrew four letter name. Please see further explanation of this in the Angel Song article.

Additionally, b’tselem Adonai is an incredibly deep and complex concept, which I hope to expand on more in the future. I love the teaching by Rabbi Gershon Winkler that I heard many years ago from him. He was talking about how everything in our narrative was created before the human was. This is also accurate in terms of evolution. We are kind of last on the list. All the organisms and lava flows and acid rain and amoebas and creatures of myriad kinds unfolded before we did. Rabbi Gershon refers to this idea of b’tselem Adonai as having multiple layers and one of them is that we are in the image of the bear, the tortoise, the slug, the tree, the dolphin, the ladybug etc… Being able as humans to connect with more than who we are, and able to engage with all of creation and to be present with it is an amazing and unique gift. For myself as well, and for others, the flawed translation of Genesis 1:28  that says in English “conquer, subdue, vanquish or rule over” the earth is not only what the Hebrew means.

This is a whole other topic, so I will only say, for now that:

It is our job to be in relationship with and look over and out for all that is on this planet.

It is our job to connect with the frog and the mountain and to find ways to see Ha-Shem and ourselves in those. It is not our job to subdue them or violate them for our pleasures or purposes. Like animals, we need to nourish and sustain ourselves, have safety and home. We certainly have gone beyond our limits on that one.

Returning to an idea of Holiness that is not nameable and that is complex for me is one way to connect to the energy of Holiness that runs through every blade of grass and every moment of my life. When I put boundaries on the sacred and limit it to one kind of parent or one kind of being, I am not in the flow that will empower and link me to ALL of creation and all of what I want to honor and love.

So, all of this to say, I prefer to use the word Ha-Shem or the Holy One or any other myriad kinds of place holders, when referencing the Creator or the Energy of Creation. I don’t even want the words I use to insert a boundary on that which is beyond boundary, so I change it up. The word GOD is just too laden, heavy, connotes a bunch of things I may not mean or want to have associations linked to by what I am saying to folks. When I name or not name differently, that inserts a prompt in the mind and a reminder in mine, what is she talking about? That question is the beginning of a spark that ignites a flame of desire, and wonderment, or at least I hope it does. No, go and study some more!

With huge unnameable amounts of Love and Joy in service to the Giant Holy Being without name,

Nicole

Four Worlds/Layers of our Souls, Tu B’Shevat Meditation

A Holy Table to Meditate on

This teaching is a tiny seedling of a much greater tree. Below are the meditations that I wrote to help lead my part of an event.  The instructions below were part of a ritual meal of fruit and wine and between each section here there were other teachings about each individual glass of wine. I will upload those in the future and post an update to this article when I have that information.

Tu B’Shevat is a Jewish holiday that honors the first rising of the sap in the trees. Folks usually gather and celebrate fruits from trees and also plant trees at this time. We celebrate the holiday in various ways, but one of the things we do is to have a special meal called a Seder. Seder is a Hebrew word that literally means order. It is also a Middah. The Seder is an ordered/ritualized series of blessings over wine and fruit. One of the beautiful things about this meal is that nothing is killed for it. All that you consume is something that is a fruit, including the wine. It’s an opportunity to just receive without having done anything other than be lucky enough to live on this planet full of wondrous plants and trees who offer their fruits to us.

Four Worlds Meditation and Blessings for Tu’B’Shevat:

A note on Blessings. In our tradition between the blessing and the action of the blessing, there needs to be nothing else. The blessing is a link between the world of Ha-Shem, the world of Holiness and our actions in this Assiyah world. We say a blessing then we do the action. We do not speak or do other things between the two. This practice requires conscious effort and tonight, we invite you to practice this with us. Our teachings and thoughts will come before each blessing, followed by some silence then the blessings, then the action of either eating the fruit or drinking the wine.

Assiyah: World of Physicality

Yitzirah: World of Emotions

Beriyah: World of Intellect

Atzilut: World of Spirit

Assiyah: World of Physicality~Earth My Body

World of action, physical world represented by earth and the season of Winter. We eat fruits with hard outer shells and soft insides such as: pomegranates, walnuts, almonds, coconuts, pistachios, chestnuts, hazelnuts, Brazil nuts or pecans. In Winter we layer ourselves in clothing to protect our bodies. The fruit is similarly covered in a shell. Removing the shell, the klippot, exposes the fleshy vulnerable inside. The shell conceals and protects. As we Bless and experience this first fruit of our Seder, be conscious of the shell of the nut and the shell that holds your insides and protects but also covers your essence. Quietly take five fruits of this kind, at least one of which has a shell. In your left hand hold the hard shell closed nut. In the right hand hold the fruits you will bless and eat. Be still with each as we breathe and I will lead the blessing which you have in front of you so you can join me or you can stay in the silence and just say Amen and then eat your fruit.

Yitzirah: World of Emotions~Water my Blood

The most vulnerable world of formation from our physical to our emotional. This is the place of our inclinations to be creative, to feel, to be moved by what is without and within. We speak and sing and dance and create from this place. This world is represented by water and the season of Spring. We remove some of the layers as we draw closer to the Holy Heat Source as well as the physical changing of the seasons. We can expose ourselves and not be injured in the doing if the climate is right. We eat fruits that are soft on the outside with hard pits on the inside. We remember that even though we can be creative and feel and speak and sing we still have a hard pit inside, part of it is our personal ego, part of it is the seed that connects us to the Divine and it is protected and hidden. We eat fruits such as: Olives, dates, cherries, persimmons, apricot, plums. As previously, please take five fruits and put one with a pit inside in your left hand and the others in your right hand as we breathe and prepare to bless and partake of these fruits.

Beriyah: World of Intellect/Creation~Air my Breath

This is the world of creation and thoughts and our Lev Mind, our shared heart/mind. The element is air and the season is summer. In this realm, we have let go of our shells and our hidden inner shell or pit. We are soft and safe and vulnerable as well as whole and cared for and can be experienced whole. We are at one with each other and with all of creation. In this place we do not notice the distinctions so much as we recognize the UNITY that runs throughout all of creation and all of us and we partake of that unity completely. We are integrated. We eat fruits that are edible entirely, figs, apples, raisins, pears, quince. Hold some of each of these fruits in each hand as we breathe and bless and partake of these fruits.

Atzilut: World of Spirit/Emanation ~Fire my Spirit

This realm is a purely spiritual one. The season is Fall, when all is ripe. This world cannot be represented by any fruit, it can be experienced through our sense of smell perhaps and our memories as well as by our inner linking and awareness of The Holy One’s love, mercy and wisdom. We can engage in prayer for this fruit from the place of our praise of the Source which renews all of creation continually. With both hands open hold your empty but full hands and be present as we breathe and partake of the spark of emanation that is not in physical form that we can see and touch but which is nevertheless present in our palms and in our hearts and in this moment.

Blessings For the Tu b’Shvat Seder:

כאשר אני מברך, יהי רצון שאהיה צנור להשפיע חיות לכל הנבראיםואף לדומם, צומח, חי, ומדבר.

Ca’asher ani m’vareich, y’hi ratzon she’eh’yeh tzinor l’hashpiya chiyut l’chol hanivra’im – v’aph l’domeim, tzomeiyach, chai, um’dabeir.
When I make this blessing, may I become a channel for renewed divine energy to flow through me and go out to all creatures and creations – inanimate, plant, animal and human.

 On wine and grape juice:

ברוך אתה יי אלהינו מלך העולם, בורא פרי הגפן

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha-Olam Borei Pri Ha-Gafen.
Blessed are You, H’, our G-d, Sovereign of the Universe, Who creates the fruit of the vine.

For all fruits from permanent trees, such as apples, oranges, and peaches, even if these fruits are dried; also grapes, raisins, and all nuts (except peanuts, which are a legume):

ברוך אתה יי אלהינו מלך העולם, בורא פרי העץ

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha-Olam Borei Pri Ha-Eitz.
Blessed are You, H’, our G-d, Sovereign of the Universe, Who creates the fruit of the tree.

These blessings were written out for me by my dear friend Caroline Isaacs who I co-led the Meditative Seder with.

©Nicole Barchilon Frank

Angel Song for Healing and Before Bed

Madrid Angel

“In the name of the Holy One, the Holy One of Israel, May Michael be on my Right and on my Left be Gavriel, Before me be Uriel and at my Back be Raphael. Above my head and below my feet Shechinah-eyl.”

This is an adaptation from the prayer said before going to sleep in the Jewish tradition. It is one of several prayers that are part of what is called the Bedtime Shema. My dear friend Arik Labowitz has the Hebrew melody beautifully recorded on his CD Simu Lev (track 10, called Angel Song) and you can listen to it on his website or buy the CD. I play his music all the time. The English quote above here is slightly different from what you will find in some prayer books. Hebrew to English never translates perfectly and this is what I sing and sang to my children before they fell asleep. This prayer or any prayer or ritual practice of protection and love spoken ritually and regularly for young ones will help in so many ways. Nightmares just don’t have as much of a doorway in when you have surrounded yourself or your child with four guardian angels.

I also sing or chant these words over and around folks before and after medical procedures or if they come into my home for healing. It is very soothing. It is good to teach to others. I will look into recording a voice memo here and uploading for future reference so you can see the way I sing it. Just saying the words in any way you want is a good idea.

Whenever you see any word in Hebrew or translated into English with the “el” in it, this refers to the Divine. So El is one of the oldest, if not the oldest, Hebrew word for a Divine being. Please see Why Ha-Shem, Not Naming the Divine post for more detail about naming the Divine. In brief, we don’t name the Divine in the Jewish tradition, we use various kinds of descriptors. There is one name used in the Torah which is made up of the four Hebrew letters, but this configuration of letters has no vowels and the original pronunciation for these letters was only passed down orally from High Priest to High Priest. No one except the Cohen Ha-Gadol/High Priest ever knew how to pronounce this name and only did so once a year. See articles on Yom Kippur. This name is called the Tetragrammaton since it is made up of four Hebrew letters. It is inaccurately translated and pronounced sometimes as Yahweh or Jehovah or some variation of this.

Additionally, all Hebrew words are linked to their roots and each root spawns many, many words, which when you know the root for those words links you to a whole system of interconnected words and which informs you about the deeper meanings of a word. Translation is always tricky.

“… Translation, above all, means change. In Elizabethan England, one of its meanings was ‘death’: to be translated from this world to the next. In the Middle Ages, translation meant the theft or removal of holy relics from one monastery or church to another…” ~ Eilliot Weinberger

And my favorite teaching on taking Holy works and trying to understand them literally.

“The surest way to misunderstand revelation is to take it literally, to imagine that God spoke to the prophet on a long-distance telephone.”

~ Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

Even if you cannot access it in the original language that doesn’t mean you cannot benefit from the teachings. I just like to remind folks to think of translation as a kind of very adept word yoga, with lots of bends and twists and flexibility built-in so that you don’t think there is ONLY one way to engage with a word or concept. When learning about the Hebrew prayers and practices and adapting them for any person, regardless of their religion or ethnic or cultural background, it is important to remember that the energy of the word or the prayer is what matters for those who cannot access it in the Hebrew. The other important thing to keep in mind is your kavannah/intention. If you set your intention the meaning will fall into its proper place.

Each of the angel’s names have meaning and can be translated variously as:

  • Michael is the angel of love/mercy. Mercy of El, the energy of love angel or the angel of mercy.
  • Gavriel or Gabriel is the angel of strength, so strength of El or energy of courage and boundaries, armor, protection.
  • Uriel or Ariel is the angel of light from the Hebrew word Or/Light. So, Uriel is the angel of vision and light.
  • Raphael is the angel of healing, the word for healing in Hebrew is Refuah

So, please engage how you are comfortable and for further teachings on this please see Rabbi David Cooper‘s book God is a Verb (order if from your local bookstore). Much greater detail than what I’ve given is included there and he has an excellent Archangel Meditation on page 144 of this book.  He also has CDs and other sound recordings on angels and tools for those looking to connect more deeply. Rabbi David is a master of Kabbalah and I use his materials all the time.

I have had personal experience with the Archangel Raphael and always experience his presence as being a warm wide-winged embrace that I sink into. Raphael is always a being I fall back into or sink backwards into. There is a profound feeling of trust and warmth. When I pray for others I imagine the wings of Raphael being so big that the person is completely held inside this Holy Being and is comforted and well there in the protecting and deeply healing embrace.

May you find comfort in these practices and please feel free to ask me questions and go and study more!