Category Archives: Relationships

Surgery Support: Pre and Post Lists for Optimal Recovery

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Tigger offering support holding up injured foot and loving hands holding foot before surgery
Tigger offering support holding up injured foot and loving hands holding foot before surgery

Pre and Post Surgery Mama Nicole Tips and Protocols:
(For Out Patient Surgeries)

Pre-Surgery:

  1. Cook up several soups and have them frozen and on hand in freezer.

  2. Get ice before you have surgery so it is ready to use in the ice machine for home use. If you don’t have this machine, buy it from the surgery center or on-line BEFORE you go to surgery and bring it with you. It absolutely is worth it. Make sure you bring the ice machine with you to surgery and let the staff know so they will pack your injured area in the correct way directly following surgery. You can also liberate a cooler from somewhere in your closets and keep ice in the cooler on hand if your freezer is too full.

  3. Schedule friends to cook meals and do errands for you ahead of time, ask a friend to do this for you so you don’t have to think about it and just tell them you want one, two or three meals a week delivered and let them handle that for you. Make sure you have a simple list of food allergies or preferences that you can email or give to folks, also coordinate picking up and dropping off times ahead of time.

  4. Have house cleaners or friends come right before your surgery and perhaps schedule them an extra time during your convalescence. Important to have really clean home when healing.

  5. Have massages and acupuncture scheduled within one day of surgery. Moving the blood through your body will help the toxins from general anesthesia move through and out of your body. Good practitioners will come to your home for the first week post surgery since moving you is not a good idea. If people want to help you and don’t know how ask them to donate $ for these services. If a lot of friends chip in, it won’t be too much for you or your primary partner to cover.

 What to Pack on the way to Surgery:

  1. Ice Machine and all the parts connected to it.

  2. Organic apple juice or sparkling cider to drink in the recovery room when they offer soda or something sweet which will have corn-syrup or other chemicals and not be what your body really needs, but it is important to have something to drink that is sweet to help your body adjust and wake up. Have your preferred drink ready and tell the nurses this is what you want instead of whatever they will offer you.

  3. Some nuts or crackers that are for post surgery also, dried fruit or sliced apples with some lemon and cinnamon on them. The lemon and cinnamon will delight your taste buds and help you emerge from the post surgery fog/misery.

  4. Stuffed animals, pillows, scarves, or whatever you need around you to feel safe and comfortable in the vehicles you will be traveling in.

  5. Water bottle

  6. Rescue remedy for yourself and your care-giver.

  7. Music device or phone with play list and smaller ear-buds for during surgery. You can also record positive affirmations to have playing during surgery. This is really important and will also help you recover.

  8. Favorite essential oil to help soothe and calm senses before and immediately after surgery.

  9. Small nice bag with little notebook for medicine journal so you can write down when next pain pills can be taken and record all your medicines in one place instead of on various scraps of paper or on your electronic device, which may run out of juice or battery or whatever and not be handy when you need to know. This journal and bag will live next to you on the bed at home and all your vitamins and medicines will be in it, so they are in one place. The bag can hold also the essential oils and rescue remedy or homeopathic remedies you may be using.

On the Way to Surgery:

Remember to breathe and be sweet with whoever is your companion. Repeat positive affirmations like: “My surgery will go well and I will recover fully.” “Everything is going to be good. I am safe and in the hands of good doctors as well as the Holy One.” If you want to sing the angel song, surrounding yourself with angels on all sides, this is a great and calming thing to do on the way to surgery. Prayer of any kind or songs or music that is calming. Less talking and just holding of each other and calm energy are the best way to prepare. There is an excellent book out now called Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster by Peggy Huddleston that you may want to look into.

Immediately following Surgery, waking up:

Remember there is a wide variety and continuum for how people emerge from surgery. Some folks fall on the very far end and it is painful, confusing, scary and hard for them. These folks will need to have some food and drink available to help them ground as soon as possible, also perhaps something that smells really good, like a lavender dream pillow or essential oil that they love. Holding hands or touching the person as much as you can will also help.

Angel Song for Healing and Before Bed

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Madrid Angel

“In the name of the Holy One, the Holy One of Israel, May Michael be on my Right and on my Left be Gavriel, Before me be Uriel and at my Back be Raphael. Above my head and below my feet Shechinah-eyl.”

This is an adaptation from the prayer said before going to sleep in the Jewish tradition. It is one of several prayers that are part of what is called the Bedtime Shema. My dear friend Arik Labowitz has the Hebrew melody beautifully recorded on his CD Simu Lev (track 10, called Angel Song) and you can listen to it on his website or buy the CD. I play his music all the time. The English quote above here is slightly different from what you will find in some prayer books. Hebrew to English never translates perfectly and this is what I sing and sang to my children before they fell asleep. This prayer or any prayer or ritual practice of protection and love spoken ritually and regularly for young ones will help in so many ways. Nightmares just don’t have as much of a doorway in when you have surrounded yourself or your child with four guardian angels.

I also sing or chant these words over and around folks before and after medical procedures or if they come into my home for healing. It is very soothing. It is good to teach to others. I will look into recording a voice memo here and uploading for future reference so you can see the way I sing it. Just saying the words in any way you want is a good idea.

Whenever you see any word in Hebrew or translated into English with the “el” in it, this refers to the Divine. So El is one of the oldest, if not the oldest, Hebrew word for a Divine being. Please see Why Ha-Shem, Not Naming the Divine post for more detail about naming the Divine. In brief, we don’t name the Divine in the Jewish tradition, we use various kinds of descriptors. There is one name used in the Torah which is made up of the four Hebrew letters, but this configuration of letters has no vowels and the original pronunciation for these letters was only passed down orally from High Priest to High Priest. No one except the Cohen Ha-Gadol/High Priest ever knew how to pronounce this name and only did so once a year. See articles on Yom Kippur. This name is called the Tetragrammaton since it is made up of four Hebrew letters. It is inaccurately translated and pronounced sometimes as Yahweh or Jehovah or some variation of this.

Additionally, all Hebrew words are linked to their roots and each root spawns many, many words, which when you know the root for those words links you to a whole system of interconnected words and which informs you about the deeper meanings of a word. Translation is always tricky.

“… Translation, above all, means change. In Elizabethan England, one of its meanings was ‘death’: to be translated from this world to the next. In the Middle Ages, translation meant the theft or removal of holy relics from one monastery or church to another…” ~ Eilliot Weinberger

And my favorite teaching on taking Holy works and trying to understand them literally.

“The surest way to misunderstand revelation is to take it literally, to imagine that God spoke to the prophet on a long-distance telephone.”

~ Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

Even if you cannot access it in the original language that doesn’t mean you cannot benefit from the teachings. I just like to remind folks to think of translation as a kind of very adept word yoga, with lots of bends and twists and flexibility built-in so that you don’t think there is ONLY one way to engage with a word or concept. When learning about the Hebrew prayers and practices and adapting them for any person, regardless of their religion or ethnic or cultural background, it is important to remember that the energy of the word or the prayer is what matters for those who cannot access it in the Hebrew. The other important thing to keep in mind is your kavannah/intention. If you set your intention the meaning will fall into its proper place.

Each of the angel’s names have meaning and can be translated variously as:

  • Michael is the angel of love/mercy. Mercy of El, the energy of love angel or the angel of mercy.
  • Gavriel or Gabriel is the angel of strength, so strength of El or energy of courage and boundaries, armor, protection.
  • Uriel or Ariel is the angel of light from the Hebrew word Or/Light. So, Uriel is the angel of vision and light.
  • Raphael is the angel of healing, the word for healing in Hebrew is Refuah

So, please engage how you are comfortable and for further teachings on this please see Rabbi David Cooper‘s book God is a Verb (order if from your local bookstore). Much greater detail than what I’ve given is included there and he has an excellent Archangel Meditation on page 144 of this book.  He also has CDs and other sound recordings on angels and tools for those looking to connect more deeply. Rabbi David is a master of Kabbalah and I use his materials all the time.

I have had personal experience with the Archangel Raphael and always experience his presence as being a warm wide-winged embrace that I sink into. Raphael is always a being I fall back into or sink backwards into. There is a profound feeling of trust and warmth. When I pray for others I imagine the wings of Raphael being so big that the person is completely held inside this Holy Being and is comforted and well there in the protecting and deeply healing embrace.

May you find comfort in these practices and please feel free to ask me questions and go and study more!

Introduction to Mussar

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We are Holy at our core

We can uncover the core

Our difficulties, stresses, and problems in this life are the core curriculum of our lives, this is our spiritual homework

Acknowledgment: This extremely introductory and broad overview of the topic of Mussar is the result of eight years of study with my teacher Caroline Isaacs, my time with my Mussar sisters in group study, reading, reading, reading and more reading as well as studying great teachings, some of which are mentioned here. Please see all the links for more in-depth discussion and direction. This piece is truly meant as an introduction to the topic and I hope it stimulates much further study.

Mussar is introduced in Ba-Midbar/Exodus also in Devarim/Deuteronomy

Ha-Shem/The Name (see Teachings, -Naming the Divine?Why Ha-Shem article on the use of this word instead of the word God). Ha-Shem literally means The Name and it reflects the concept in Judaism that you cannot quantify or confine the Divine. It is unnameable, infinite and vast. Ha-Shem is not like my name or yours.

Ha-Shem gave us Mussar. Mussar can be translated to mean training/to train. It is also understood as the practice of Jewish ethical work. Mussar is a series of practice tools and teachings for learning to walk our talk. I often describe it as a way to shine up my soul, to work at scouring, lifting, cracking the code on the patterns, barriers, obstacles that are in the way of my greater self/soul/heart.

When first trying to describe it I wrote this short poem:

I’m trying to make my soul
shiny, shiny bright
so that everyone can see
its light

Mussar is practical and doable.

The main work of Mussar involves engaging actively  and becoming aware of the many middot/measures of energy/Divine flows that operate in our world and that we can work with to live with integrity, pursuing goodness and justice. The Hebrew word middot cannot be easily translated. The idea is that there are flows or measures of Divine Energy or Qualities that move through all of us and the world. By connecting with them in their essences and learning to identify them and dance with them or use them to help us with our lives, we can change and improve ourselves and our lives and the lives of those around us.

There are several key or central middot. Middot is the plural for middah. For the purpose of this article, using the word measure or flow of energy is the best way to conceptualize this idea. You do not have to believe in a Holy Being to practice Mussar or to understand the middot. They can also be translated as attributes, flows, energies, characteristics, or paths. Some of the central middot are:

Humility, Compassion, Faith, Trust, Generosity, Moderation, Equanimity…etc..

A student of Mussar attunes to each of these Middot for a specified period of time, usually no longer than a few weeks and studies this energy through teachings and the techniques described below. The student looks for how one is involved with this attribute and where one falls on a continuum of this particular energy. The more advanced student looks to harmonize and balance themselves with this particular energy and how to use it to improve one’s conduct and self. Throughout the year one goes through a cycle of these middot and re-visits them again and again throughout out ones lifetime of study.

Important Mussar Texts in Antiquity:

  1. Talmud
  2. Pirkei-Avot, Ethics/Teachings/Sayings of our Fathers
  3. 11th Century Spain, Medieval times: Chovot HaLevavot/Duties of the Heart by Rabbi Batya Ibn Pakuda,
  4. 12th Century: the RaMBaM (רמב”ם – Hebrew acronym for “Rabbeinu Mosheh Ben Maimon“/Maimonides continues this work with his Mishneh Torah
  5. 16th century: Yiddish translated into Hebrew Orchot Tzadikim/the Ways of the Righteous and then the Tomer Devorah/Palm Tree of Devorah by Moshe Cordovero
  6. Then into the 18th century Mesillat Yesharim/The Path of the Just by Luzzato also known as the RamChal.

There was a schism between the flowering of Hasidism/ecstatic worship of the Divine, deemed “wild” vs. the counter to the Hasidic movement. These folks went into Mussar practice and were called the Misnagdim. The Vilna Gaon was the main proponent of this and very opposed to the ecstatic Hasidic movement, in the 18th century. In the 19th Century Rabbi Yisroel Salanter pulled all the varied sources together and created and codified a system for Mussar study:

  1. Mussar Steibel (home practice)
  2. Practice Melodic Chants of Holy Phrases “with lips aflame”
  3. Don’t study alone, study with partner.
  4. Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh=Accounting of the Soul, keeping an honest journal of daily encounters and behaviors that one did and looking at them through the lense of whichever Middah one is studying.
  5. Hitpahalut: impassioned chanting of a melody, prayer or Holy phrase for 20-30 minutes for 30 days.

20th century Mussar leaders/teachers: Rabbi Abraham Twerski, Alan Morinis, Rabbi Arthur Green and many others. See The Mussar Institute.

There are real tools in Mussar practice and ways to confront our reflexive, seemingly innate and hard to change behaviors and inner inclinations. These tools work at a deep level. This is Soul Work, the deepest kind of work and central to this work is the idea that:

I am a soul NOT I have a soul

Perfecting our soul/our beings is a personal choice and everyone has their own path. There is no expectation of one size fits all or we have to all walk the same path, nevertheless Mussar practice is a tried, true and well-developed practice that has tremendous momentum, teachings, teachers as well as practical and clear results.

This is a 24/7 practice, the possibility to do it exists all the time. I think about it this way. I can put on my Middah glasses, and my Mussar cape, so that all I see and all who see me are encountering me fully present and practicing. This then reinforces and develops my awareness of my growth as a soul.

Addressing the Nefesh (first of four levels of our souls) and on up through all the levels is one part of our Mussar practice: See post on Four levels of the Soul in Tu B’Shevat Article (insert link)

Whatever we encounter or whatever obstructs us can be looked at through these Middah lenses. They may show us our particular and unique challenges and illuminate our character traits, and/or they can be indicators of the measure of the middah we are either in balance with or not.

Mussar is a striving to be more centered and includes the recognition that all of our experiences and behaviors can be measured on a kind of continuum that is not a place of judgment, but a place of informed awareness with an intention towards improvement. We will never arrive, but we can always keep practicing.

This practice, when done with devotion can undue the teem tuum Ha-Lev /stopped up heart). It is amazing and transforms one.

Our goal is Shelemut/Wholeness, but we won’t attain it necessarily. We can continue walking towards it, shoot our arrows and aim for the center which leads us to more and more moments of connection and experiences of connection and Holiness.

Mussar is a Matan/Gift from the Holy One to help us do the work

Awareness Practices:

“Take Time, Be Exact, Un-Clutter the Mind”

~Alter of Slobodka

This approach helps create a barrier between our impulse and our acting out or response to that impulse. SLOW DOWN, TAKE TIME.

Notice where you react to the teachings or to what others say, have a daily mussar journal, just note things, don’t judge yourself for reactions. This is about becoming aware of the contours of who we are and what the issues are. Mussar is not about FIXING IT. It is a subtle and very deep practice that really is about being a soul, not having a soul, being someone who is aware, not making ourselves aware. Over time you will see patterns and can work with them or just being aware of them will help them shift.

This is not a beat ourselves with horsehair whips and wear clothing that is full of needles so we bleed and remember how terrible we are kind of practice. It is not based on guilt, but on taking responsibility and awareness.

This practice is rooted in a core Jewish belief based on the idea that our souls are pure and that there is junk that obscures or occludes our souls. We can diminish the murky mess and crack through the hard shell that surrounds our souls. We can liberate and make visible the innately glorious and sparkling nature of our souls with OUR PRACTICE.

In Malachi 3:3 “He will sit smelting and purifying silver, he will purify the children of Levi and refine them like gold and like silver and they will be for him.”

When is the silver smith satisfied with the quality of her smelting and purification? When it is so clear and pure that she can see her face in it.

Basic Practice Outline:

Daily:

  • Morning Repetition of a simple saying related to the middah one is working on, this is said after the recitation of the first blessing we say upon awakening –Modeh Ani L’fanecha.

  • Awareness throughout the day of the Middah and noticing of our interactions as mentioned previously.

  • Evening: writing down, briefly what you saw related to middah  and our selves in the day, any anecdotes or interactions that relate anywhere on the continuum. Just jotting them down, this is not about analyses. It is a practice without judgment. Re-read materials, jot down issues or highlight stuff you want to ask about or work with a partner on.

Weekly:

Check in for an hour or more with a partner or a group and go over materials, answer questions, check in, share from journal, not about therapy in traditional sense, return to the materials and use them to guide your encounter. Take turns being in charge or choosing a teaching to study.

Monthly:

Class with a Mussar practitioner or Rabbi and other students, discuss what questions came up during your study, share experiences, switch to a different Middah for the next month. Never spend more than a few weeks on one Middah.

All of the teachings and texts used here are excerpted from these and other texts,  and here are some links to those for further study:

©Nicole Barchilon Frank

Seeing Others as Holy Guests in our Hearts, Communities and Homes

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Touching across differences of size, age and perspective
Touching across differences of size, age and perspective

“You shall appoint magistrates and officials for your tribes, in all the settlements that Adonai your God is giving you, and they shall govern the people with due justice. You shall not judge unfairly: you shall show no partiality; you shall not take bribes, for bribes blind the eyes of the discerning and upset the plea of the just. Justice, justice shall you pursue, that you may thrive…” (D’varim/Deuteronomy 16:18–20)

I feel bound right now, bound to hold fast to an ideal of Justice that isn’t just about me and those I know and love. Bound to find a way to see the Other as a guest, a relative, a wounded being whose fate and mine are inextricably bound.

This binding is not restrictive, it is self-imposed and a discipline, I daily remind myself about. When, in our small but complex hamlet, we engage in dialogue and dissent forgetting to be bound by this ideal of Justice we are crippled in our attempts to find resolution. Each one of us is responsible for how we behave and what we say and do in a public arena.

Whether we rent or own a home or whether we find shelter wherever we can (which sometimes means having no shelter and being exposed, confused, hurt and angry). We have to remember that until we see those who are different from us as Holy Guests who may also be wounded or broken, we will not manage to live and work together well.

Finding the balance between our own needs and boundaries and the needs and boundaries of others is a lifelong challenge. When we forget to connect to our higher/deeper ideals and self as we walk, talk, live, work, breathe and love we move towards becoming that which we abhor.

So, in a public way, let me take to task some folks for perhaps loosing sight of something precious. To all those who work in public arenas who have forgotten and who are reading this, I know you are frustrated with local politicians, complex and needy constituents and various advocates for differing positions. You have good reason to be, as do we all, AND it’s important not to lose sight of the end goal, Justice for all.

Polarization is a natural force when there are different people working on a problem from completely alternate or differing positions. The hard part is to recognize that we aren’t actually interested in, nor will it be useful, to create a nuclear reaction. Tearing communities or cells apart involves splitting up or getting “rid” of things. Convenient as it might be to imagine removing from the discussion all those who think, feel and see differently from us, it just won’t ever work.

We cannot shuffle or blast away with angry words in print or in the public domain those we dislike, disagree with or are disgusted by. There is no where left for us to shuffle them.

They live here with us. Often folks without a home will have a pet and this is often viewed as being wasteful or wrong by folks who are housed. For some, owning a pet seems like a luxury..”how can that person ask me for money for their dog food?” I have had a few hard times with loose dogs about town or on the beach (where they destroy habitats for small birds if not on leashes), but not letting a wild thing run wild seems cruel also. This is another example of a complex situation that requires intelligent and caring dialogue and thought.

I love most creatures and want them to be well cared for in their natural habitats or with their human parents.

When you are without shelter a dog can be your only defense against predators. Living on the streets or woods involves interacting with predators (human and others as well). Animals are sensitive to the moods and needs of those who feed and care for them. Even pets, whose owners are less than responsible with them, are still loyal, forgiving and often endlessly willing to try again for love and they will still protect their person from harm by another.

There are many studies indicating the value of having a pet around. There are uses for pets in many therapeutic contexts, which leads to the conclusion that having one around helps folks in more ways than we can see. They are used to combat depression, help people with cancer or terminal illnesses and also as service animals for the visually impaired or otherwise-abled who need assistance. We have a right to impose and advocate for leash laws and restrictions on animals in the public domain so that everyone is safe. We don’t have any moral grounds for denying people the unconditional love that many pets provide.

It is beyond ridiculous and a travesty that we can’t find a home place for the people who need one after all this time. It’s a real pain in all of our behinds, brains and hearts that we also have to figure out what to do with their dogs as well. Unfortunately that is our situation.

If we lived somewhere other than most folks reading this do (meaning you have access to a computer and are literate and have the time and money to spend reading a blog vs. working long hours to stay alive or find food or shelter), then we might have more perspective on poverty and those who don’t have shelter. We live where we do though and perhaps have forgotten to see everyone as precious. We need to remember who we are and what our goals and values are. Even when the people we are working with forget this, we have to take responsibility for our part, our voices and our behavior and continuously push the Justice, Justice button until we get to that place.

I’ve worked in the past with many a young person. One seemingly had no control over abusive behavior and language and got into a lot of trouble as a result. I regularly reminded this person that the only thing we can control is ourselves and our responses and actions. My work with this person involved helping her connect with what she was really feeling, which was usually sadness and then to work from there to find solutions that would enable her not to lash out at the folks near her.

I cannot change what anyone else thinks, feels, believes or does. I can only work to discipline and remind myself, daily and many times a day, that the world I want can only come about when I treat everyone around me with respect, dignity, the benefit of the doubt, and clear and loving communication. I also have to include my family and myself in that recipe and make sure I protect those who are closest to me. It’s not ever easy or mindless and requires a constant effort and it requires PURSUIT. The Torah doesn’t say look for justice or think about it, it says PURSUE it.

Anything less will result in more pain, sadness and confusion. So, let’s remember to pursue and seek out and recognize that which is beautiful, true and precious in those we have the most trouble with. From there, we will make progress that is lasting and real. I honestly believe we will.

~Nicole Barchilon Frank lives  in a lovely and complex hamlet and won an “Optimist Award” from her teacher Mr. Sparm, (yes we used to call him Mr. Sperm, but never to his face) for a paper she wrote about ending world hunger in her sixth grade class about 39 years ago, some things never change.